The Ways We Watch: WHAT PORN ADDICTION HAS HELPED ME TO SEE

The Ways We Watch:
WHAT PORN ADDICTION HAS HELPED ME TO SEE

It is 6 AM, and I’m somewhere in New Orleans staying at a place called Marie Laveaux’s Annex. The morning light is creeping in from all corners of the closed curtain hanging above the bathtub. A golden outline is spilling its way through the darkness, in what appears to be a perfect circle. I watch the light illuminate the window, and while I do, the rectangle and its ridges disappear. There is only a circle of golden light.
Watching the light seems appropriate, because I am also basking in the afterglow of bathtub sex. Something about this trip to New Orleans has allowed me to lower my inhibitions, and for the first time in a long time, I feel sexually free.

I’m still catching my breath as I turn to Logan, my on and off partner of two years, and I tell him,“That was amazing.”

“Yeah, the lighting, the water in the tub, the scratch marks I made down your ass…that was the most pornographic thing I’ve experienced in a while.” He replied.

***

In a society that has rejected sex positivity for so long, pornography has been a secret safe haven for erotic exploration. Locking our bedroom doors and hiding behind screens while wearing headphones, was not only a way we practiced pleasure for our first times, it was the way we learned about sex. Without patience and openness from our parents and teachers regarding the matter, the internet was all we had. Sex is probably the most powerful part of our being. Shame from our elders had little chance in taming our curiosities.

My earliest remembrance of porn, was watching late night HBO when I was in sixth grade. The year was 2001, and watching the show “REAL SEX” was my favorite forbidden pastime. I even have memories of talking on the house phone with my sixth grade boyfriend, while we both watched.

This feels like a fortunate introduction to the world of pornography. Rather than feeling immense shame around sexuality and choosing to isolate my first pornographic experiences, my sixth grade self felt comfortable sharing her curiosity with others.

First time experience with porn, like anything else at its beginning, impacts the formative process. Our beliefs and our expectations of sex, have become imprinted inside of us because of porn.

This awareness allowed me the grace I needed, while navigating the challenging relationship I had with Logan. His fascination with porn was apparent from early on; he was quick to tell me that he had a passion for creating porn with ex-girlfriends and random women he encountered over the years. Logan’s transparency about his past and his desires, made it hard for me to find any reason for objection at first. But as our relationship continued, I felt my sexual self retreat back inside of me, too scared and insecure to reemerge.

I was not pornographic material to Logan. He looked at me, and he didn’t see the porn-stars that frequent his search history. I didn’t look like the other women he filmed in his past. Early on, it felt as if Logan made the decision to discard the sexual energy I brought to our interactions. My tits weren’t as big as what he was used to watching on the screen, neither was my ass. My stature was too short, and my face was too confusing for him to look at. It was confusing because he wanted it to look like the faces of the hot girls he googled, but it didn’t, and I was somehow standing in front of him anyway.

I am not a robot. I have lots of feelings. Spending time with Logan while knowing all of this, did a number on my self-esteem. Not to mention, being a woman born into a patriarchal society that has invented some bull-shit box for “what beauty is” has ALWAYS been doing a number on my self-esteem.

Then why did I find myself with Logan? Why did I choose to continue knowing this person intimately, even after learning that his porn addiction , and his perception of beauty, had made him blind to my perception of beauty? Why did I allow this man to continue disregarding the beauty that is me?

My relationship with pornography post HBO 2001, does still exist, but in a different way. About once every two months, I find myself excited to be back in a state of mind where I remember to grant myself physical pleasure. Porn videos are usually involved, and I often search things like “mutual masturbation real orgasm”, or just “real orgasm”.

Logan is addicted to watching and creating a common type of pornography. This kind of porn has parameters for what beauty and pleasure mean.
For me, if the porn appears to be fake at all, or no one seems to be genuinely enjoying themselves, I’ll continue searching.

I am addicted to looking for what is real inside of the realms that have been invented.

Sexuality is a powerful and sacred practice. We must make our way back to what makes us FEEL most connected to each other, and let that be our pornography.

I’ve written this in hope that others will read and remember to explore their sexuality and pleasure in a way that is real to them.